Introduction

 

Α Psychotherapist seems to be relaxing at the beach, enjoying his summer holidays. In reality, he observes the children playing with the sand, thinking once more the importance of childhood in our lives. Why does psychotherapy puts so much emphasis on this part of our lives? How can this information become therapeutic, and with the use of it, improve our daily lives?

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Bowlby's theory

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For such a subject, we will need to present a structured psychoanalytic explanation, in order to approach the abyss of childhood memories. For that reason, we will base our position on the work of John Bolwby. Through his research, Bolwby explains that in the primitive setting that our ancestors lived, the bond between child and parent was a matter of life and death. In the absence of a parent, the external factors that were threatening the child were severely decreasing the chances of his/her survival. Therefore, the physical presence of an adult was of tremendous importance, both literally and symbolically that the caregiver is emotionally available. Through the bond that is formed from the first months of their lives, the children radars can sense with ease whether the parent is emotionally available. Both physical presence and the emotional state have a significant effect on the way the child will attach to the caregiver, which resulted in Bowlby classifying these attachments in three different types. The secure attachment, the avoidant attachment and the ambivalent attachment.

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Secure attachment

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In the secure attachment, the child is eager to investigate and play. In the absence of the caregiver, the child will express his/her despair naturally, whereas when the caregiver arrives he/she shows his longing for reunion, usually with physical contact. In this case, the caregiver comfortably recognizes the child’s needs as she synchronizes her daily rhythm to that of the toddler’s. In adulthood, people who belong in this category are generally comfortable and open to talk about themselves and their feelings. They ask help from others without much reservation and they allow others to count on them both pragmatically and emotionally.

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Avoidant attachment

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In the avoidant attachment, the child doesn’t respond emotionally in the absence of the caregiver, while his/her anxiety becomes apparent, due to the increased beats of the heart as well as the increased cortisol levels in the bloodstream. In other words, the child avoids expressing feelings because the caregiver was constantly ignoring the toddler’s signals. The caregivers who fall under this category avoid physical contact, while they seem to be emotionally frozen and more often expressionless. Avoidantly attached adults feel awkward with emotional transparency, while they often deny to their selves the need for close and vulnerable relationships. They excessively value independency and autonomy, and as a result they ignore difficult emotions, those that remind them that in many cases they need other human beings.

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Ambivalent attachment

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Last but not least, toddlers with an ambivalent attachment style are in a constant stress because their respective parents were inconsistently adjusting to their children. Sometimes their responses to the child's needs are appropriate and nutritious while others are intimidating and indifferent. In that case, children with ambivalent attachment are confused and insecure as they do not know what kind of treatment they will receive from their parents. In adulthood, these children are thirsty for close relationships but at the same time they struggle a lot to trust and so they seldom express their deeper and more vulnerable aspects of themselves. In other cases, their behavior in these relationships becomes suffocating and indiscreet.

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Conclusion

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Obviously human experience cannot be defined in this context alone. The classification of these links is just a look from the keyhole in our childhood room. However, the information is enough to claim that trying to understand the subconscious currents of the past has therapeutic value, as it enables us to understand the way we associated with the most important people in our past and thus change course and build new relationships with which we will develop more secure attachments. But for that to happen we need to open the door and enter this room. To realize that we can understand a life only when we can take its beginning seriously. It is understandable to hesitate, since, as soon as we try to emotionally put ourselves in the place of the child, the past that we have rejected emerges. A lot of people seem to never want to expose themselves in such danger again, they never want to experience again the minor, helpless child they once were. But they do not suspect how much wealth such place has for them, because it is exactly this place that can give them back the vitality and sensitivity that they once lost.

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